near death (does not equal) death

people talk about 'near death' experiences (NDE's) all the time, really, they can be quite common. to me a near death experience (NDE) is like slipping and almost falling off the Grand Canyon (but not), accidentally parking your car in a river & swimming out, underwater diving with sharks, the first parachute doesn't open, but the second one does, etc...

i think death experiences are a bit different.  i had a death experience (DE).  in the middle of having a gallbladder full of stones removed before thanksgiving (probably not a coincidence), i flatlined. as in my heart stopped, on its own, for what I was told was almost a solid minute.  i don't know if that means 45 seconds or 58 seconds and there were a few days in my life where I wanted to know exactly...but I let that go, which leads me to the rest of this story.

please understand, i've always been a person that is all about the numbers, the stats, the years, the number signs and the dollar signs, the percentages.  i've essentially priced mortality or reviewed mortality expectations of individuals for most of my adult life.  this didn't just happen to someone that didn't understand the percentages (who makes it, who doesn't, how many seconds it takes, how many chest compressions are required, the odds, etc...).

so i am released to come home on thanksgiving day. my research begins immediately after i catch up on much needed sleep you can't get in a hospital. i woke up and picked up a laptop.  you gotta love google. its a numbers keepers dream.

you know i learned it all. there is debate, medically, on my odds, statistically speaking. needless to say the answers I was looking for would not be found in google (you won't hear me say that often).

so i closed the lid on the laptop.  after all that research it was as if The Maker (thank you @swagclub for sharing this term with me), the Good Lord above, Father Mother Earth, or whatever you call him or her in your life, said to me, and i quote loosely (it wasn't audible) "look girl, get busy on living your life, be happy, drink the good wine, wear your fancy shoes (what are you saving anything for?), love abundantly (with a capital A) & please stop all that worry you do about the numbers (and i mean all of them). do what makes your heart happy. bottom line, be good. do good. be happy. love a lot."

now i would love to say its been real easy for me to do this since then, but it has not been easy.  this simple task, call to action:  be good. do good. be happy. love all things.  is a daily battle that i don't always win (please, it feels like never win, but i've stopped counting, remember?).  and so it is in all of our lives i suppose...or maybe its just me.

great news is, every single second that ticks on the clock gives me (us, whatever) the opportunity to change our direction, our thoughts, all that damn worry, our lives, our revolutions, our actions, our relationships (the list goes on and on). so there's that. every second counts and every second presents a new opportunity.

its not likely i'll win my battle any time soon. but its a fight i'm willing to be in. after all, i made it this far. probably for reasons bigger than i can comprehend.  i like to think so. and so it is with all of us.

thanks to the writings of John Warner, the leadership of & discussions with Phil Yanov & Kamran Popkin for the inspiration to pour out these thoughts on paper, i mean blog, whatever it is, you know what i mean (ykwim).

think about your seconds.  i'll be thinking about mine. losing sometimes, winning others. but that's okay, i'm drinking the good stuff & wearing the fancy shoes & lovin on those around me & those that i wish were closer. cheers.